My missionstatement.

Hope wrose with the dawn.
Morning has broken.
The storm was blown away.
Shadows vanished before the sun.
I can face uncertain days.
I can face tomorrow and fear is gone.

I am free at last!
Full of fear, I was tormented by failure. I was paralyzed by the choises I had made. In the night, before my eyes, the taunting ghost would arise. Memories of the things I could not change.
My past has been forgiven me. Painful shackles are all torn away. To the chains that held me tight, to the old nightmares and the pain - there is now light!

I am free! Into joy and light, instead of darkness. Out of guilt, to confirmation. Out of blindness, into sight. Liberation from the chains of the past, that used to hold me fast. Free from the fear of tomorrow and also the guilt of the past.

I am holding on to my dreams! I can dare to risk and reach and stumble, when I know, I am in the right place at the right time!

I am a soldier of the Swedish army, but also a soldier fighting for me: for freedom, rights to have believes, to have needs, to love anyone I choose to love and be loved, for knowledge, for the right to an education, for peace and self value. I am no longer, in my own eyes... an unknown soldier.

I trust in life, love and God. Wherever I may be. Upon the land or out on the stormy sea. On the mountains peak or in the deapest valley. Let come what may, from day to day. Though billows roll. I know my soul is safe!
I will never give up!
I will never give in!
I am a woman.
I am strong.
I am loved.
I am free!

I am Xena!

350 days with fish

Living by the coast has presented a huge change in my diet. I looked back in my journal and descovered that I have eaten fish for 350 days out of last years 365 days. Now that is interesting ^^. According to legend I should be extremely healthy after all that fish! Maby I will even be a better swimmer?!

Work was really hectic today and I left feeling exhausted. But it was a good day. I am free tomorrow, so I am going to clean the house, do the laundry and wash the dishes. I am also going to really read up on neuroanatomy and try to make a studyplan, because I have an exam coming up in about 2 months time. Puh, it is going to be a little hard in the beginning to discipline myself to take time to study for a couple of hours every day from now on. And I have not even started with my mathcourse yet...

Skalman arrived safely in Sweden yesterday and called me a couple of times during the evening. It was nice to hear his voice and that he sounds happy. When he left he braught with him lots of ...... Yes, you guessed right!!! ..... FISH and gave to friends and familly. And there are still a whole bunch left for me to eat. I have actually already eaten my fish today at work.

When I left work to go home yesterday my car all of a sudden was free of gasoline. I had to call a friend for help, since it turned out that my petrol can had broken and petrol had leaked out over the entire floor of the car. Puh! It smelled! And so typical that it has to happen to mee... I am so grateful for friends that helps out in times of need.

I know my loved ones loves me. That makes me happy and safe, despite all that is going on and that I am really tired. Still waiting on the answer to my application for my leave of absence from work! Mordor! I want my answer!

And now ... I will rest.



They left today! I drove them to the airport and then directly to work. It is good to have work to focus on, because I really do not know how to get through this. Fysically I will be okay, but my heart is longing for the next time we meet!!!  People keep saying that it will get better and that I will see them again soon, and ok, that might be the case. But I still feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. And allowing myself to feel is soo important.

These days has been absolutely wonderful and the year here alone with my son has been one of the best years of my life. We have had so many good times and spent a lot of time doing fun and nice things. I am so impressed by how much he has healed. The calmness of the ocean, the mountains and many long talks has really affected him. And me of course.
I dread a bit going back to Sweden. I still have not really decided completely. There has been so many bad times as well and so many, many conflicts with one of the fathers of my kids. A lot has truly changed now, but dealing with all the memories are easier here - at safe distance.

But I miss my kids! I miss my friends and my familly. And I also so very much, miss my beloved. When I left Sweden I thaught it would be for a very long time. But the Lord leades in so many different ways. And I trust Him to show me where I am supposed to be. I need His love more than anything this world has to offer and He is really my strength.

The house is quiet and empty. I feel drained just now.
But all the wonderful memories are so very close to my heart. All the happiness. Knowing that I am LOVED for just the person that I am, me being me! The good and the bad. The knowledge that I am perfectly safe and loved beyond my own comprehension carries me. And that that love is not dependent of time or space is what will make me go on. I will go to work, go home, rest, prepare myself for what is next to come.

All my love to you!!!

Leaving 2morrow...

My son and my friend are both leaving on the same flight towards Sweden tomorrow. We have and are still having great days together. Spending all day with my son yesterday was wonderful and memorable. We went to a museum and then ate wook outdoors by the ocean. In the evening we went to shoot some pools. It was fun. I left for work at 6 am this morning and was really tired.
It is going to be strange to stay here all alone. I have a million things to arrange and do, but still - I am really going to miss my son! But I will bury myself in work.

Today a patient suffering from dementia took my hand and sayed:
"I can not find my wits. I have searched all over my body, but I can not find it!"


Fresh makrill and a good cry.

I was so tired when I came home from work yesterday that I just cried. Called my great mother and just lost it. It was a wonderful relief and I slept the first good night in almost 2 weeks. No nightmares.
When I came home from work late in the evening yesterday, my great and kind neighbour came over with fresh caught makrill. Wow! The fishes are so beautiful with their green and glittering skin and we are definately grilling them tonight. ^^

My visitor from Sweden arrives tonight and I am soooo happy! It is going to absolutely wonderful. I have one day off from work, so tomorrow we are going to a museum. Long walks on the beach are also planned. The visitor is bringing wild boarmeat. So foodlike, there is going to be party all weekend long!
Unfortinately I work the entire weekend, but just knowing that someone is waiting at home and that my son has great company is absolutely great.

I have butterflyes in my stomage. Work has been really hectic today, so I feel light headed. Looking forward enormously to the weekend and tonight.


Neurological status and Babinsky

I performed my first complete neurological status including Babinsky today on a patient. It was a bit sceary, but very nice to be able to lurn new things. The doctor was with me over the phone, so I had good back-up.
It feels very good to lurn new things.


Nightmares and grieve

I slept twelve hours last night!!!! More than in a very, very long time. Even so I woke up completely exhausted and shaky because I dreamt nightmares all night and was unable to wake up. I made rice and chicken for me and my son, took a shower and then went to work.

All night I was dreaming surrealistic, stange dreams. My youngest son started school yesterday and all the four youngest kids called me yesterday to tell me about their first day of school. I miss them so much and it really broke my heart not to be able to share that special day of the year with them! So I dreamt about them instead.
My oldest son is moving to Sweden on Sunday. His plane departs around 3pm and I have just enough time to drop him off before work. I am so happy for him, but I really dread the farewell. It is going to be very lonely and empty when he has left. I know that we will meet in Sweden soon, but the year we have spent together here has seatteled in to a nice and comfortable routine for both of us. I am really going to miss him!

I have asked my boss for every avaliable extra shift once he has left. Hoping to be able to work every single day. There is an extreme shortage of nurses, so it should not be a problem... Work is hectic and challanging, but also lots of fun. I am so happy for the opertunity to work here and I am always impressed by the good work my collegues are doing.
Last night I also dreamt over and over and over again that my boss did not give me a live of absense for my studies. That really made me stressed. The stress from all the strange dreams kept on nagging at me all night at work. Time is now 11 pm and my work is done for today. I am going home to my son now and we are going to watch a movie. I work the eveningshift tomorrow as well, so we can enjoy an evening together tonight - since I do not have to wake up early in the morning.

My son does not know it, but some friends are coming over for a surprise farewellparty for him tomorrow evening, while I am at work. I just recieved a happy textmessage from my beloved and things feel a little better just now.


Go Kotten - Go!!!

My princess begun school today. I am so proud over her, the way she has changes her life and takes charge of her destiny and her future. I am convinced that she has had a wonderful day in school and that she will come home with a ton of inspiration, new ideas and happiness. It is not going to be easy, but I know that she will succeed!

So - from me to my girl:

Go Kotten - GO!
You can do it!
I love you and I am very proud of you!

Love, mom

I did overcome!

I am so proud of myself!!! I did something yesterday that I would never have been able to manage 2 years ago. Together with a friend (moral support, you know ^^) I climbed a mountain. All the way up to 1230 m. I also went and stood right next to the edge. It was awesome! I have been terrified of hights ever since I was very young and now - I have overcome! The peace and beauty up on the mountain was absolutely breathtaking. The view was fantastic. I could see the ocean stretch out far away in every direction, from where I ended up sitting.
I can remember one of the first times I was really afraid of hights. It was in Tanzania and my dad and I had to climbe the latter up on top of our huge watertank, designed to collect rainwater. Finally up there I looked over the edge and panicked. Dad had to carry me down that time. Since then I have fainted after climbind a kitchen latter... But the most embarassing experience was when dad and I walked the stairs up the Eiffel tower in Paris. Yes, you guessed right! I fainted and one of the guards had to carry me down. But no more of that! I will probably never be a linedancer - but I have overcome my fear of hights!

After coming back from the mountaintrip we grilled some fresh fish and had a minicelebration og my birthday. I love sitting by the fire and watch the coals prepare the fish. But I had to be ambitious and do some studying at the same time. So while the smoke blinded my eyes I started repeating my neuroanatomynotes. I will take the exam in a couple of months. Our guest seamed to enjoy the evening and left really late. Last thing I did was to lay down on the couch, in the darkness, in my livingroom and listen to Yiruma playing piano.

During the night I had a lot of dreams about moving back to Sweden to study. I woke up in a nostalgic and sad mood. Braught my coffee with me down to the ocean and sat there thinking for a while. Then I left for town and Sunday meeting in church. It was nice to spend time with my african and american friends. Then I rushed home to be with my son and prepare for us moving again.  This is my last free weekend. After this I am going to work every day, except coming Friday, until we set out on the long journey back to Sweden again.
This week everything has to be finally arranged. I am hoping and praying for tennants, so I can rent out my new apartment until June, when we are due back. A friend is arriving from Sweden this week, who will help me organize some things. It is quite a lot to do when we are going to be away from here for a year. I am sooo happy to have a visitor from home. My guest is the first one who has travelled so far to visit, except from my mother.
I have already found both the mathbooks and the rest of the litterature I will need the coming year. Yesterday I searched through 25 boxes and found some dresses that I am going to bring.

Although this came as a complete surprice - I am still so grateful that the Lord openes doors and leads me to where I should be. At the right place - at the right time!

Peace like a river attendeth my soul.


So tired today!

It has been a really hectic day at work and I feel totally exchausted. I had to work overtime, as usual, and it sometimes feels really frustrating to not be able to leave on time. We had a brand new doctor today, who just finished medschool. It always takes time to talk through all the new routines and give a full background on all the patients. But the day is finally over and I am soo going to enjoy having the weekend off.

So, today I spoke to my highest superior at work and gave a written application for a leave of absense during the next 9 months. And NO - I am not pregnant! (...nine months...^^) The education I have been admitted to is nine months long. I will get the final answer next week. I also put up an add to rent my apartment out during the same time period. It feel very exciting, but also a bit scary to throw myself out there and "test my wings".

Last evening I spoke to my beloved. Just hearing the sound of his voice makes me so happy! There are so many things I would like to say and so much I want to do. If everything works out now, I will be in Sweden for the next nine months and we can actually spend some time together. I would love that. My heart and soul longs for that.

There was also an email blinking in my inbox today where a friend told me that they are planning a visit here. Only my mother has visited us here, so it would be really nice! We will see what I can find the time for. Now that I have to start packing down everything I just unpacked if we are moving to Sweden.

The ocean was absolutely calm today and so, so beautiful. I had my morning coffee at 6 am by the water. The air was clear and already warm. I am going to sit a while by the ocean again tonight, before I start unpacking and sorting through my boxes to find my studymaterial.

I am so tired today. But I know that I always have the strength for each new day. Strength and a joy that is more than I ever new before. Now I am going to look after myself and my son this weekend. Prioritise that and let the world outside wait.

Carpe diem!

We have a ghost in our house!

I slept until noon today and it was absolutely wonderful to rest. I did not have to leave for work until 3 pm. My mother called yesterday with very interesting news about a letter that had arrived for me at her adress yesterday. The news really threw me over. It is exciting and also overwhelming. Now I once again have to make important descitions concerning the nearest future and coming year.
It is very important for me to be flexible and be at the right place at the right time. I want to be all that I can be and the best that I can be. Caring for friends, patients and familly is a time puzzle. Sometimes when I feel that the world is spinning to fast I sit down and reflect. Today the reflections resulted in two very important phonecalls to my familly. There is a longing in my heart to grow. Without even asking for it, the oportunity has now suddenly presented itself.
Total peace and joy floods my soul. I feel calm and relaxed, feeling incredible love and support from my familly. It is not that easy to have everyone at such a distance. On the other hand... It really makes the descitions my own! And that is very important. I thaught about  what my dear dad would say and do in a situation like this and I am very shore thet he would tell me to build for the future and go for it! Raise to the challange! This descition would take me one huge step towards

Back at work I learned that the patient I worked so hard with yeaterday, giving morfine, holding hands, calming, talking to the familly members, trying to help and care for in every humanly and professionally possible way has died. So death got his pray. This too is part of my work, but still... Everytime a person passes away we get a brush of eternity. Sorrow, grieve and moving forward again becomes part of the daily life. So, R I P my friend! I will miss you.

We have a ghost in our new home! I have forgot to tell about that. Every evening he (I am sure it is a male) starts up my sons RC car and drives it around and around on the upper floor. We have even taken out the batteries from both the car and the controll and the ghost still drives it around. We can also hear him walk back and forth on the floor upstairs. Exciting! One of my new neighbours told me that it might be the ghost of a very friendly man that hanged himself in teh boathouse just outside my house. The energy from the ghost does not feel hostile. He is just there and has obviously descided to be a part of our familly.

Thank you, my wonderful soulmate, for being there for me and picking up on my feelings even if the geographical distance between us is huge right now! Knowing that you are there makes me so happy. I love you!

More ghoststories might follow and an update on the results of the letter later.


Stars and longings.

I woke up before my alarmbell this morning, because I felt the sunlight on my face. The ocean outside my window was absolutely calm and the sky was clear blue. It was only 5.30 am in the morning when I had a coffe on the beach.
I fell asleep late, despite my good intensions to be in bed by 10 pm yesterday, so I have been tired today. Again I listened to one of my favorite records with pianomusic and watched the moon hanging round and yellow on a velvet of dark blue night sky. I fell asleep with my thaughts drifting towards the memories of my last weekend in Sweden this summer.

After work, I started unpacking the house yesterday. Lifting boxes again... But the good thing is that I was able to find my king size bed and but it together. After a couple of hours with lifting stuff I was even able to detect some sheets. So tonight I slept in my own bed in my new bedroom. Despite the sloping ceiling, I was able to squize in my bed, a small wardrobe, a drawer, a tv and my desk. Not much room left, but the view from  my window is breathtaking!

Work today has been nice. I have been busy almost all day. It has been nice too meet up with collegues after the summer holidays and listen to all their different storys. The sun has been indomitable and no wind at all. It has been really warm! Nice!
But as always, there is death lurking around in the corridors of the hospital. Always looking for his pray. And I try to keep up with him and help the patients in the best way I can. Giving a hug in tough situations, ease their pain and hold someones hand.

My familly is again far away and despite the beauty of this place, I sometimes feel lonely. Last night I really missed him, my soulmate. I wish we would some time share all this together! There are som many beautiful paths to walk, mountains to visit, places to see and then also the magestic ocean. I know that love is strong and can carry over any distance or circumstances... I am free and feel calm and safe inside. Happy, with a song inside my heart. But I wish you were here. It is good to be in love and I long to hear your voice again.

During lunch today we started talking about familly and, embarassingly enough, I started to cry when I showed pictures of my kids. Leaving them after visiting is tearing my heart out. Life is the way it is and wishing for something else is just not going to help. But they are so far away - or to be correct... I am far away from them! But I love them more than anything and I know that they feel that. I look so much forward to the day when I get to see them again.

Today I hope that my papers has arrived in the mail, so I can start planning my autumn. There is a lot of work, but also studies and travelling to be done. I was asked to work the weekend, but I am happy to say that I will be home instead. Mabye we are going to climb a mountain in a nearby village this weekend.

So long for now!

Back at work.

The flight home was turbulent and stressful. We arrived at our house close to midnight, after three different flights and a very stressful journey. Five hours in the air made me quite exchausted. But the first thing I had to do, before going to bed,  was to find a cup, spoon and my coffee - so that I would be able to go to work in the morning. Finally fell asleep at around 2 am. Of course I overslept this morning... Not enough to be late for work, but I did not get the quite morning I had planned for.

The last weekend with the concerts performed by ex The Collingsworth familly, Lynda Randall etc affected me deeply! It touched my heart and soul in a profound way. I have a lasting peace that fills my heart and a joy that fills my soul. Thank you dear familly and friends for making the weekend perfect! The wonderful last night in Sweden, spent at a hotell, was absolutely wonderful!!! I was able to rest and gather my strength.

I am now at work, having my lunchbrake. I enjoy being back at work, and there is a lot to be delt with. I have a lot of reading up to do, after having been away 1 month on holiday.

I miss my familly and friends. Especially my children, of course. I have shed many tears when I departed from them. But I know that the Lord, who holdes tomorrow - also holds His hands around them today. Kotten and her younger siblings are always on my mind.

One huge change in my life is that I have felt so much love, during my stay in Sweden. Friends and familly have opened up their homes and hearts in remarkable ways for me. I have experienced things that I have dreamt about for decades, but never thaught that I would encounter and even less enjoy so much ^^. Even strangers have shown me so much love and appriciation ex Lynda Randall. Spending time with my Captain turned out to be revolutionary, as always. He always challanges me to do my best and to be the best I can be.

I miss my beloveds arms around me. But I know that I carry the love with me in my heart and that no distance in the world can ever be to large. We still see the same moon and stars. We breathe the same air. I have waited so many years for this to finally come true. And it turned out to be a more healing and wonderful relationship than anything I could have ever dreamed of.

Live strong!

Habo city

We arrived at my daughters house at 1 am last night. She had prepared soup for us. Smiling she declared that she had made meatsoup without meat ^^. It was deliscious! After that we bunkered out on different couches and I slept directly on the floor. That was one of the best nights I have had in a long time! I woke up this morning without pain in my back or anywhere else.

This morning we went for a wolk in Habo city. The name is really misleading, because it´s really tiny. But such a nice little village. We baught some food, the book that my daughter read the other day (se her blogg) and  we ended up buing some wine as well.

After lunch together we´re going to head in to Jönköping and do some shopping before the concerts start tonight.
Both my Captain, AG, my mother, Kotten and Gustav are here. We have a really nice time togheter and when the baby is awake, he´s the center of attention.

So I have learned a lot about hunting, taking care of forests, Swedens military organization etc by listening to the gentlemen talkning. I am having the time of my life. This morning I even got a short shoulder rub ^^. Awesome. I feel loved and pampered. Lovin´ the time here.

Bye 4 now!

Being on the road. Butterfly and jelly.

The last 48 hours has been a test of endurance! I have slept approximately 7,5 hours in total. The rest of the time I´ve been moving boxes, furniture etc for my daughter and then driven the moving truck. I have pain in musclegroups I haven´t felt since I last moved (a month ago - he he ^^). Z came and helped out lifting boxes again - for like the hundred:th time. Thank you, my hero!

Thank´s to my wonderful friend A G, I was able to survive the driving back and forth between Uppsala and Habo in pouring rain and thunder. He offeren to come with me and take turns driving. That saved my sanity, I think. The last hours we sang songs, told storys of our experiences in the army, joked and through this helped each other stay awake a do sharp driving.

I am so happy that people like this are in my life and I´m also very happy to having been able to bless my daughter by doing this practical deed of love. She now has her things and can begin a new life. I gave her lots and lots of shoes, clothes etc for my grandson to use. I know it will save the young parents a lot of money the coming years.

In just an hour we´re back on the road again, the same road with the same destination. I look forward to the weekend and spending time with my Captain and my familly. We are attending the homecoming musical conference. It´s going to be awesome and a dream come through.

Butterflies in my stomage, jelly in my legs, a bubbling sensation of joy in my entire being (and an enormous need for sleep) is the lasting effekt of the last 48 hours.
Thank you to all my loved ones, my friends and familly for everything you have given me, a shoulder to cry on, lots of wonderful hugs and kisses, laughter and all the love we have shared these to days. You make my life complete! I love you!


I think there comes a time in peoples lives when one gets to make an important descition. Wether to be an eagle or not. Let me try to explane:

The Bible describes how we can "soar on wings like eagles, run and not be weary." "Wait for the right wind".

The eagle waits for the right and perfect wind. Then this magestic bird then just uses the wind and rests upon it. Lets the wind carry it forward, onward. Without getting tired itself.
There are times in our lives when we are faced with, for example, very tough circumcises. Endless hours of work, doing something for someone else that will demand a lot from us, trying to live up to different peoples demands etc. In those times it can be easy to feel like you have to carry everything yourself and that can ware you down.

Being an eagle, in situations like that, can be to ex descide to find positive things in every situation, to find something beautiful in an ugly situation, feeling the sun on my face on a cold winter morning, finding shadow a day when the sun is so hot that you could fry eggs on the street, singing a song when you feel like crying.
What I´m trying to say is that looking for the right wind is a big part of it - but actually resting on the wind and let it carry you is just equally important! God can carry you in every situation. It can also, for a person who does not share the christian faith, be to have a knowledge deep within that you have done your very best.

Wearyness of the heart is a very dangerous thing, because I think that that´s where we loose our joy. This can lead to depression, low self asteem and can lead to giving up personal dreams, longings and goals. I think that "running without being weary" means to preserve the center, the essence of one self. That part wich makes you know for sure that you are valuable, the part that gives you motivation and strength to carry on even when circumstances feel overwhelming. Preserve the heart and middle of the inner person that can make you laugh or smile even in the deepest sorrow or despair.

So, I choose to be an eagle. Some days I have to make the descition several times a day, because the day itself is so hard to carry. At least I am sertain that´s what my heart wants. I want to carry on.

And I am so happy to be alive and finding new winds to soar is so challenging and exciting!

Thank you Kapten, for reminding me of this once again! I will now obey your direct orders and get some rest before tomorrows project. Only 4 hours left of the night to get some sleep.
And thank you AG, for coming with me back and forth to Jönköping tomorrow. I am soo happy for your company in the truck. You are the wind under my wings tomorrow!

The masters hand...

I had the privilege to spend time with one of my dearest friends today. He is recognised as one of the worlds most professional builders of handmade organs and pipes (music instruments). This evening I was able to sit in his workshop and listen to how he explaned about the different pipes and his work. It was extremely fashinating. It is soo inspiring to spend time with a person who loves and knows his craft very well. A touch of the masters hand...

We also had time to sit in the garden, in red candlelight, and watch the beautiful sky where stars were shining bright. Some danish cheese, coffee and nice crackers made the evening complete. I love his home. Every time I get to spend time there I completely and truly relax. It is soo beautiful. But most of all I enjoy the company of a real friend, who knows and loves me for who I am.

Egyptian history, Bible history, the technicalitys behind cancer on flowers, lunch at a restaurant, a handwritten copy of the Koran, medical books dating from ancient Egypt (raw meet and honey could cure just about anything back in those days ^^ ) until ca 1970, aquarell paintings etc was some of the things we discussed during the day. I have to admit that I learned a lot. The part of reading ancient wrightings on the pyramids was especially interesting and nothing I would ever have learned elsewhere.  Since I am going to study maths we also took some time looking in to geometrical basic principals behind the construction of organpipes from ca 1740. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, was very interesting. I will remember that implementation of geometry when I sweat over my calculator this coming winter!

Thank you X for this marvellous afternoon and evening!

Mom and I spent the morning doing errands. I am trying to arrange for transportation of my daughters things from Uppsala to Habo. I realised today that it will be me driving back and forth, including on and off loading - by myself and within 24 hours. I love driving and find it very relaxing, but this trip is going to be a real strain on me.

Tomorrow I am again meeting with some really dear friends. One of them is a single mother who does a great job with rasing her child. She is one of my heroes. I am so happy that some of my friends travel to me, so that I don´t have to do all the travelling. I am really looking forward to tomorrow as well. We seldom get to meet and the times spent together gets even more treasured. What I love with really good friends is that no distance or time can destroy the relationship. When it is build on love, respect and genuity it actually lasts even through great distanses in time and geography.

Life is good to me! I am so happy for all these good things and for the time together with friends, familly and my beloved and wonderful children! This has been a great summer holiday.

Now there is only one week left until we fly back home and the hard reality with work, work and work starts again. 100% work and 100% studies at the same time will be quite a challange, at my age... And then my awesome son and his dog will also be prioritised for a lot of fun times and activities!
The first thing I will have to do is to find the coffee and hopefully a mug. Everything is in boxes after the  move - remember?! We arrive home on midnight next Monday, take a taxi home (because of all our luggage, the dog etc) and then I start working 8 am on Tuesday. During the night I am supposed to find some plates, maby a spoon and a mug. And that is after spending 10 hours on different planes... Yey! Now, that will be a challange. But I know that God will give me the strenght I need.

So... I have descided to  r e a l l y  enjoy the rest of my holiday and then put 100% of my energy and heart into work and the rest when we come home.

Until next time!

Old friend

Today I spoke with an old friend. We have known each other for four years now. We met during my time in the army (YES, I´ve been in the army!!!). It was during a field operation that I literally ran in to him out in the forest. He was the one who taught me how to use an AK5:a. When we met he was my enemy and was shooting at me from a distance. I managed to dig myself in to a hole in the ground and lead my soldiers - my pluton - in to defence. It was lots of fun!
Later that night the Kapten came and got me for a stategic talk. It was him, my friend! So that was the start of a long friendship and we impacted eachothers lives in ways we could never have emagined then. Todays topic was "what is the purpose of life?" ^^

Kapten, my Kapten!
He always challanges me to do my best. To be a better person, a better me. He was one of the people that challanged me to take the leap and change my life. I will always cherish our friendship and will never stop being amazed at what a wonderful and faithful friend he is. He fashinates me. I always learn something new when he is around.

So - we are meeting this week and I am really looking forward to it.

Aj, aj ................ Kapten!


WATOTO Child care ministries is one of the ministries that has touched me the most. A Canadian pastor couple came to Kampala Uganda, and started a ministry for children that are orpfans and has lost their parents to war or aids.
They provide school and a house with a familly and a mother for these children. And there is also a choir: WATOTO childrens choir, that tour around the world. These children are so fantastic! Despite of what they have been through - they just shine and they sing and dance with all their hearts.

I have been sitting and watching one of their videorecordings this evening. It strikes me every time how happy they are and their special message. Lots of tears have fallen, as I have listened to their storys and their dreams for their future.

It makes me so proud of Africa. To be a part of this great nation and to have been born there is one of the greatest honours of my life. I love my country Tanzania. Proud that there are so many people that makes every day count. People that are continuing to move forward in their lives, no matter how hard it is. Who believes that there is hope and that every day makes a difference.

I remember standing together in Mchukwi missions hospital 1996 together with my dad, doctor Kenneth Björklund, and work together with him in surgery. We were operating on a little boy (about 5 years old) who had been attacked by a crocodile.
When the boys father saw what happened, he threw away everything he was doing and jumped in to the water. He then fought this large crocodile and was able to get it to release his son. After that, he carried his little boy in his arms and walked for 2 !!!!!! days and nights until he reached the hospital.
The guards came and woke us up, because they arrived in the middle of the night and we turned on the generator at the hospital, so that we could use the operating theatre.
Before starting to operate on the little boys leg, the whole operating team folded their hands in prayer and bowed their heads. That was a sacred moment that I will never forget for as long as I live!  After that, the surgery strated. My dad and the operating team was able to save both the boys leg and his life.
I will never forget that fathers love for his little boy or the little boy himself. That is making every day count.

Just like the WATOTO, wich means children. The children of Africa.

I am a watoto. A child of Africa. The difference between me and the children in the choir is that I was born white and because of that, had an entirely different future ahead of me.

I support two orpfan children in Tanzania. Paying for their education, clothes, medical expences etc. But I wish there was more that I could do! One day I will!

So, if you ever get a chance... Se the WATOTO childrens choir in your country or seek them up if you ever come to Kampala, Uganda.

Kwa herini!


If you want to read up on our adventures in Amsterdam and follow other parts of our life...

Read my wonderful daughters blogg - wich is in Swedish and really funny!


Masterpiece (copied from American greetings in Cleveland, Ohio)

You are God´s masterpiece,
created in His image and by His divine design.

Ha said "Faith",
and gave you the strenght to move mountains...

He said "Hope",
and shaped the desires of your heart...

He said "Love",
and made you the amazing person you are.

Thank you Rory!

I have finally reached my destination and just started a washing mashine. A cup of coffe is standing next to me on the desk and it feels so good to be in one place for a couple of days. This holiday has ment lots and lots of travelling!

I just read a very good book: Nicholas Sparks "Safe haven". It was unexpecting in it´s story and a lot of it really resembled my own life. I think that´s why it really gripped me. I recommend it!

For the first time in 18 months I opened my diary this morning and had the strength to wright something. I feel proud of my own courage and the fact that I have finally (through being able to  put things in to words - and therefore into perspective) started to heal!
The process is just starting, but the last 1,5 years has really ment a complete change in my life. I lost everything and also even almost lost my life! Then I took the decition to leave everything and start over - so that I would be able to live and to heal. It isn´t until this July that I have been able to put some perspective on my desicions and been able to start evaluating my choises.

Thank´s to my dear friend and extra dad Rory Kaye, I have been able to start putting my thaughts in to words. He has prayed and fasted for me, for my life. And he has listened to my anguish for hour after hour. He has councelled me and helped me to, not only to  put my past in to perspective - but also my present.
I will carry on and I will continue to heal. I know that it will take years, but I have the greatest gift a person can have... I still have my life!
After coming so close to death I really treasure every moment. I enjoy every drop of rain, love listening to the roar of the ocean on a stormy day, enjoy caring for my patients and the people I work with, love every time I hear my children´s voices or the most precious times when I can hold them and love them "live". I even enjoyed the incredible amount of people everywhere, during our travellings.

Rory and his wife Gunilla has helped me so much and loved me unconditionally through the past two and a half years, wich has been the worst in my life. God bless you both for that!!! I will make you proud and I will remember every precious word spoken between us this summer.

Now I will spend some time with my mom and enjoy having special one-on-one time together. Skalman is in Stockholm with his dad and we have the house to ourselves.

Until later...


It was wonderful to sleep at the hotel. Yesterday I took a long bath and then I slept a really good night in a comfortable bed. I dreamt about falling stars and studybooks and woke up really missing my younger kids!
Thos morning I ate a luxurious breakfast and landed some fruit and a couple of croissants in my backpack for todays travelling.
I am leaving for Gothemburg in just a couple of minutes, where I am going to sit and read until it is time to board the train. I´ll be arriving Uppsala this evening.

My holiday this far, has been filled with people to meet and a lot of travelling. Now I have three unplanned days before starting with some of the things I have to attend to while in Sweden. The last thing we are going to do in Sweden, before flying home, is to attend a three days long Homecoming Gospel Festival in Jönköping. I am really looking forward to it! Before that I plan to visit IKEA and buy some fraims to go with the wonderful pictures my daughter and Gustav gave me og their familly. We are also going to pick up our dog Elvis and bring him home with us. I just have to find a big enough, airplaneproof transportcage for him. Quite a challange...

So - now I´m off to my former hometown & favorite city in Sweden - Göteborg!


Backpackers community

We have had a great time in Amsterdam. Yesterday we went to several museums, including the erotic museum and Madame Tussaus. It was so much fun and I learned a lot. Now, I have finally met Dalai Lama (in wax though) who is one of the people in the world I admire most!
My feet are soar from walking and carrying a lot, but I am in a great mood. We are  heading for the airport in a couple of hours. The sad thing is that my luxorious one-on-one time with one of the most awesome people I know.... my Daughter... has soon come to an end. We have had wonderful days together. Talking a lot, having fun, interesting discussions, minimal amount of sleep, nice food, supporting and challenging each other. I am soo going to miss her! She is one of my heroes!
This morning I sat by a pond with goldfish in and beautiful lotus flowers (pink, my favorite). It was so very peaceful. This hotel is one of the best places I know. I love sitting out on the paddio, under the grapevines. Feeling the sun on my face, wathing people, looking at the water... It was a great morning. And when I topped it with a cup of new made coffe - the morning was perfect!

So, now we are off on new adventures.
I love being a part of the backpackers community and I look forward to being out there again soon, travelling.

Tonight I am going to stay at a hotel in Gothemburg. Reed my book and just rest. Tomorrow is a long day with more travelling around in Sweden.


Found our way back ^^

Today was the first time we found our way back to the hotel, without getting lost for hours. And tomorrow we are moving much closer to the railwaystation - to a christian hostel in the middle of the red light district. It is going to be very nice. We have lived there before and it is very close to the central station. Tomorrow we are planning on attending some museums. One of the museums we are going to attend is the torturemuseum. Yes, I'm a bit strange... But it is interesting!

It is so hot here. I took a shower tonight, but after I came out of it I was just as warm again. The shower was utterly primitive and charming. The walls are covered in colourful tiles, there is no hook to hang up anything and when you open the door you stand right under the showerhead. The ventilation contains of a hole in the cealing. Very charming and I'm sure "it's European standard".

Today we walked by both the asian, the african and the white prostitutes. They stand there in their windows, in this heat, waiting for customers. They actually have a union! There are survalensecameras everywhere, so they are supposed to be rather safe and protected.
And all around us people are smoking weed, cannabis etc etc. In many of the small alleys the air is thick with the smell of it. Narcotics, drugs etc are free her and it is really different. But very charming city and I just love being back here.
The mixture of people is truly amazing. In the middle of this I noticed a priest, a mormon missionary, YWAM'ers, a happy lesbian couple, ordinary tourists and they where all in the midst of it all - with the gay cinema and the churchbells ringing in the background.

When I had my morning coffee today I tried to catch  a glimpse of the sky, but the houses are simply to cluttered. I miss the sky, the ocean and the mountains!
This is my first holiday ever in my life. Being free from work, no big responsabilities, just spending a month meeting friends and familly... It is simply awesome. But I am really not used to all this free time. But I am really enjoying every single minute of it!!!!

I believe Amsterdam is a city you either love or hate. There is simply nothing in between.

Ta da!!

XXX Amsterdam / my kids this last week.

I'm loving being back in amsterdam - but I must admit that my feet and my back akes. I have been carrying 40 liters backpack around and around Amsterdam. We had a lot of fun on the airpost, taking lots of pictures.
This afternoon we have been shopping and really enjoyed the wonderful city and being back here again.

Thursday to Friday I visited my children. It was absolutey wonderful. I really miss them and we had a lot of fun together. I miss being with them, waking up together, watching them play, listening to their happy chatter etc. I wish things were different, but my love for them will never change.

Even if my monthly long vacation in Sweden is wonderful and I have met a lot of friends... I really miss home. We moved to a new apartment the day before we left. The new apartment is right on the beach of the ocean. I miss the silence and the mountains.

But for now... I will just enjoy spending time with Rebecca (see her blog) and make the days last as long as I can!  Skalman is with some of his friends and I hope he has a nice time.

Ok - now there are some stairs to be climbed and some wine to be drunk.

Ta da!

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